The first few days after a breakup are marked with pain and a whole lot more unfocused anger. First comes the night of when your friends pull your trashed body out of the bar and onto the sofa with a trashcan next to your head. Then comes the next few days of anger and trash talking when you become convinced they must be incredibly stupid to have even thought of letting you go. Last, comes the acceptance and reality check, when you simply wonder what the hell really went wrong in the relationship?
Understanding why you were left or dumped is one of the most important parts of moving on with your life and building a better relationship in the future. Surprisingly enough, it actually could have been your fault. Look over the next few common causes of being left behind and evaluate yourself to see if you could have fallen victim to committing these cardinal relationship sins.
How well did you modulate the attention you paid to your ex in terms of letting them know you were there for them and cared? Could you honestly say your ex knew how much you supported and cared for his needs as well as your own? There’s an old saying that your partner is your better half, so it makes sense that we should be supporting that better half by listening to their troubles, and concerns the same way we expect them to listen to ours.
Did you lend an ear when they needed you, or were you too concerned with work, school, or other activities to even note their existence and moods most of the time? This is known as emotional distancing, and if your ex was experiencing it, chances are they fled because they needed someone who supported their lives and took the time to care. In your next relationship, you might try to be more present and change up your priorities a little to prevent a reoccurrence.
Of course, be cautious of the other extreme — if it sounds familiar, make drastic changes. Nobody wants a shadow, we have one that doesn’t talk, beg, and tangibly exist for a reason. Smothering is a common reason why couples break up. Being together 24/7 is too much for most couples. There’s a reason many people claim to have love/hate relationships with their families, why would you want to create that atmosphere in your own chosen relationships.
Finally, and this can also be a result of smothering, did you lose the romance in your relationship? This is especially risky in longer more comfortable relationships. People feel the need to be complimented and desired in and out of the bedroom. If things have gotten to the point where your partner feels taken for granted, or you treat them as nothing special because you assume they will always be there, you run a big risk of finding out how life is once they aren’t.
Image via OliverAlex