People You’d Never Want to Date

Lorena Bobbit

Formerly married to John Wayne Bobbit, Lorena rose to fame and subsequently became a feminist “hero” when sheattacked her husband with a kitchen carving knife. It’s not so much the fact that she just attacked him with a knife, but she actually cut off just over half of his penis. With a knife. Nice. The story goes that her husband allegedly raped her one night (but was later acquitted of this), so later on, she snuck out of bed and into the kitchen, where she saw a carving knife and just suddenly snapped. She took the knife and then assaulted her husband with it. She then drove some distance away and threw his severed penis into a field, only to realize what she’d done, retrieve said penis and have doctors reattach it in a nine and a half surgical operation in hospital. Later on in court, she would go on to say that depression and post traumatic stress due to constant domestic abuse caused her to act under temporary insanity, so the jury deemed her “not guilty” of hacking away at her husband’s genitalia with a knife you usually reserve for chicken.

Jessica Simpson

Sure, the pop singer might look nice, but sometimes you might just want a little substance to your relationship. For example, imagine how YOU’d feel having to constantly remind your date that buffalo wings aren’t actually made from real buffalo, as Simpson famously declined some of the wings, proclaiming “no thanks, I don’t eat buffalo”. Or that time when she was asked in 7th grade to name the continents, to which she replied “A-E-I-O-U”.

Tom Cruise

I think most intelligent and rational people these days have pondered the sanity of Mr. Cruise. I also think that most intelligent and rational people have come to the conclusion that he is, in fact, batshit insane. When he’s not busy killing Oprah or generally freaking out, he’s generally being weird. But besides this, he bought Katie Holmes an engagement ring after the very first date. Isn’t that just a little bit weird? Some might believe in love at first sight, but an engagement ring after the first date?

Lindsay Lohan

If you can afford to keep her in narcotics and alcoholic beverages, then I’m sure she’d be perfect dating material, if you can put up with vomit all over your carpet. Also, you have to be female, these days.

Charles Manson

Nobody’s ideal dating material, what with spending most of his life behind bars for numerous felonies and general insanity, not to mention his involvement in several murders. By the time he was 32, Manson had spent more than half his life in prison. He’s even gone as far as to believe that The Beatles “White Album” contained a message (albeit in code) directed at Manson himself, instructing him to preserve “worthy people” from impending disaster, which he would most likely try an instigate himself. However, his connection/obsession with music has made him a relatively popular figure in pop culture, usually when referencing insanity and/or violence. Not the kind of thing you’d want to bring home to the family, well…Unless you’re that way inclined.

Cameron Diaz

She might have an impressive Hollywood résumé and the looks to go with it, but she actually suffers from acute mysophobia, a fear of dirt and germs. I can understand that not many of like things to be dirty and have a preference to live a clean and healthy life, but Cameron has publically admitted that she suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder with regards to a number of things, cleanliness included. She has been known to clean doorknobs so vigorously before using them that the paint has faded afterwards and that she sometimes uses her elbows to open doors. If your house contains if the faintest bit of dirt or dust, she ain’t coming in after a date!

John Fitzgerald Page

Obtained internet infamy roughly a year ago for being a generally unpleasant person, especially to women he meets on dating websites! He responded to a rejection on dating website with an overwhelmingly arrogant and obnoxious email, which you can check out on the link. Basically, this is a man that thinks the world of himself and responds to rejection in the most retarded way possible. Maybe I’ve inadvertently described most people, but this time it was spread all over the internet.

Paris Hilton

Tiny dogs. Movies on the internet. Unstoppable idiocy. Tiny dogs. Stupid best friends. Tiny dogs. Do I really need to say more?

Aleksey Vayner

Successfully becoming an internet meme from 2006, Aleksey’s Impossible is Nothing video résumé became the stuff of legends, even to the extent where people were producing parodies of it. The video was originally intended to land him a job, but ananonymous employee of the company he sent it to found it so hilariously full of crap that they then sent it to other investment banks and those banks then sent it to other people and gradually the Impossible is Nothing phenomenon came into being, with the video sprouting up all over the internet, providing much amusement wherever it went. Definitely not something you’d want to date, unless you enjoy listening to loops of repeated arrogance and don’t really like talking about anything, ever. Check out the original video here.

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Do You Still Love Your Ex?

by Online Dating on November 12, 2009

Handling a relationship break up is never easy, but occasionally a person can be overly confident in their abilities to cope. They go on with their daily routine thinking they’re not missing the ex, but the truth is they are. This; distancing, a known behavior response, offers only temporary pain relief but doesn’t help over the long term. There are definite signs that indicate you could still love your ex, whether you want to admit it or not.

Do You Still Love Your Ex? Ask yourself…
Do you often ask yourself where your ex is and what they are doing? Pretty obvious you still think about them. You wonder how they are dealing with your break up or whether they are spending time with someone else. You could even experience some anxiety when you find out they are dating. These are all signs that you need to move on with life. Being curious about what your ex is doing is natural, what’s not healthy is becoming obsessed with it.

Changing Your Timetable
Changing social engagements and work timetables just to check up the ex is not a good sign. You may even have planned to show up at an event where you’re sure to meet your ex. This of course encourages interaction between you and your ex and reminds them of your continued presence. It’s quite likely you’re not consciously aware you are doing certain things, like frequenting restaurants and places you regularly visited together. No matter, changing your timetable because of your ex shows you are still, much too obsessed by them.

Jealous tactics
Have you talked to particular people or bought yourself a glitzy present to get the attention of your ex? This is a sign of jealous manipulation. You may think you doing it for revenge, but the opposite is true, it’s really a maneuver to attract the attention of your ex. If you were really over the relationship it wouldn’t matter what your ex thought of you. Employing jealous tactics just proves you still care too much about their opinion.

Be honest with yourself

The truth can be brutal but the only way to successfully handle your feelings is to confront them and face the truth head on. Are you still in love with your ex? If they asked today for your forgiveness would you take them back with no real questions asked? Answer yourself honestly and truthfully. You’re the only one who knows the answer to these questions but you must ask and being honest is important because if you can’t be honest with yourself who can you be honest with?

Still loving your ex isn’t a terrible or horrible thing. The problem arises when you ignore the facts and bury your feelings without dealing with them. Admitting you still have feelings for your ex is a positive step toward your recovery. Then you can decide whether you want to get back together with your ex or whether you want to focus on getting on with your life and maybe start dating again.

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10 Worst Ways to Propose

by Online Dating on October 18, 2009

10 Worst Ways to Propose

At a sporting event.

You might have seen this video and also this video scattered about the net, at one time or another. This, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why you don’t propose at sporting events, because if you get rejected, then a whole stadium of people will know it, as well as the people watching at home. And inside, they’re all laughing at you. Don’t propose in the stands either. Picture this: Sweaty, overweight man to your right, feasting on what used to be a bucket of chicken but now resembles the ground zero of grease, swearing guy just behind you, you can’t even begin to guess what he’s swearing at, your shoes stick to the floor with what you can only hope is gum (I said GUM) and spilt drinks…Romantic? If you think so, I’m sure there are websites you can visit for your particular…Interests.

At somebody else’s wedding.

Are you joking? Don’t be fooled by the way that everyone is super happy for the couple getting married and think they’ll be that way forever, it could be the start of a long, downwards spiral. But regardless, it’s just one day out of their whole lives, no one can be that happy forever. Without drugs. Besides, who wouldn’t be happy with all these adoring people swarming around them and giving them presents? Hell, I’m happy just getting one present, so imagine how I’d feel with a hundred. Also, cake. Cake which isn’t a lie. Or a pop-culture cliché. If you honestly want to experience the same level of euphoric bliss that the couple seem to on their wedding day, go out with your friends and have them all toast to your sheer awesomeness and give you drinks at the same time.

In front of her family.

In theory it might seem like a nice idea, but in actuality, rejection will make it so much worse. You might think you’re making a brave gesture and statement of your true feelings for your loved one in front of her mother and father, but what you’re really doing is giving her dad the opportunity to give you that jab in the kidneys he’s always wanted to, when she rejects you. Because he hates you. And so do I.

Whilst on a cruise.

The sound of the ocean waves deftly lapping at the hull of the ship, striking sunsets and glorious sunrises. A cruise might sounds like an ideal place to propose, but think of it like this: You’re trapped on a boat in the middle of the sea, with no chance to escape for quite possibly the next week. If she says no, it’s all over; you’ll be stuck in a cabin which will seem all smaller for her having rejected you.

At a funeral.

Only if you’re some kind of morbid freak would you ever consider proposing at a funeral. Maybe you think the sound of “Sorry your dad’s dead, will you marry me?” is a hilarious juxtaposition of sad/happy, but I’m sure she’ll think otherwise. The sight of an open coffin and many people mourning/crying is not quite the same as a candle-lit dinner, unfortunately. She’d probably be more inclined to arrange your funeral than to spend the rest of her life with you, which would be considerably longer than yours if you were to try and propose.

By text message or email.

Perhaps the most impersonal way to convey what is otherwise supposed to be a very personal and intimate moment/emotion. Then there’s those predictive text blunders that replace a crucial word with something ridiculous (queue with steve, home with good) and leading to an outrageous misunderstanding. To be so afraid so as to detach oneself from the human contact it requires to deliver such a message just means that you aren’t fit to go outside, let alone be emotionally attached to someone. You should be so very ashamed. I hope that you accidentally send the message to your boss (because hopefully your boss isn’t the person you’re proposing to).

By putting the ring in a helium balloon.

Whilst adventuring on the internet I stumbled across this story. You’d have to be some kind of crazy person to think giving your girlfriend a balloon with a ring in it would be a “great idea”. What if the balloon had been popped and the ring had flown into her eye, or if it fell down a drain? What if, for some reason, he was so stupid he didn’t tie the balloon to himself in case a sudden gust of wind came along and a $9 grand ring just flew into the sky? Oh wait…IT DID.

On Valentine’s Day.

This would be one of the worst offenders in ridiculous proposals. It just wouldn’t even be a surprise and everyone you told would think “Oh, Valentine’s Day” and then nod as if it was the expected thing. Which it is, unfortunately for you. Today’s Valentine’s Day (and also quite possibly every Valentine’s Day in the history of everything ever) is a horrific capitalist nightmare, where the cards cost as much as expensive chocolate and the chocolates taste like expensive card. It is too riddled with cliché and a general sense of unpleasantness to actually be deemed romantic and “unique” enough to propose to a person you supposedly love. It shouldn’t take Valentine’s Day to make you prove how much you love someone, a sentiment which is in itself a cliché. You cannot win.

During a crisis or disaster.

In movies, I never really understood why a hero must propose to his lady love during a time of great stress. The world is ending, buildings are exploding, ships are sinking or maybe she’s giving birth to a bizarre alien lovechild, the hero will somehow take it upon himself to proclaim his undying love for her (usually just before a mission which has a 90% chance in resulting in his untimely demise) and asks her to marry him. Why would you do this? Instead of shooting lasers and dodging traps or whatever, he’s probably going to be thinking “Oh gawsh, I love her so much” and it’s going to get him killed. Then she’ll be devastated because if he dies she’s going to be thinking “We would have been so happy together”.

By hiding the engagement ring in her food.

This is also one of the main offenders. Why would you spend all that money on a fantastic ring, only to mess it up by putting it in some sort of creamy pudding or alcoholic beverage? The sheer number of things that could go amazingly wrong with this is beyond compare. Maybe a waiter will steal the ring to fund his crack habit, maybe someone will drop it and it’ll get lost, maybe it will get delivered to the wrong table and cause some huge misunderstanding. Who knows, but it’s certainly not appealing for your potential bride-to-be to be sifting through pudding like she’s on a scavenger hunt, or fishing out a ring that’s spoiled the nice champagne in the glass due to having jewelry cleaner on it. Worse still, you stand the chance of making her choke to death as she accidentally eats it. Also, you certainly don’t want to spend the next few days sifting through the fecal matter of a loved one in search of the ring, which you then hopefully won’t expect her to wear.

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