10 Worst Ways to Propose
At a sporting event.
You might have seen this video and also this video scattered about the net, at one time or another. This, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why you don’t propose at sporting events, because if you get rejected, then a whole stadium of people will know it, as well as the people watching at home. And inside, they’re all laughing at you. Don’t propose in the stands either. Picture this: Sweaty, overweight man to your right, feasting on what used to be a bucket of chicken but now resembles the ground zero of grease, swearing guy just behind you, you can’t even begin to guess what he’s swearing at, your shoes stick to the floor with what you can only hope is gum (I said GUM) and spilt drinks…Romantic? If you think so, I’m sure there are websites you can visit for your particular…Interests.
At somebody else’s wedding.
Are you joking? Don’t be fooled by the way that everyone is super happy for the couple getting married and think they’ll be that way forever, it could be the start of a long, downwards spiral. But regardless, it’s just one day out of their whole lives, no one can be that happy forever. Without drugs. Besides, who wouldn’t be happy with all these adoring people swarming around them and giving them presents? Hell, I’m happy just getting one present, so imagine how I’d feel with a hundred. Also, cake. Cake which isn’t a lie. Or a pop-culture cliché. If you honestly want to experience the same level of euphoric bliss that the couple seem to on their wedding day, go out with your friends and have them all toast to your sheer awesomeness and give you drinks at the same time.
In front of her family.
In theory it might seem like a nice idea, but in actuality, rejection will make it so much worse. You might think you’re making a brave gesture and statement of your true feelings for your loved one in front of her mother and father, but what you’re really doing is giving her dad the opportunity to give you that jab in the kidneys he’s always wanted to, when she rejects you. Because he hates you. And so do I.
Whilst on a cruise.
The sound of the ocean waves deftly lapping at the hull of the ship, striking sunsets and glorious sunrises. A cruise might sounds like an ideal place to propose, but think of it like this: You’re trapped on a boat in the middle of the sea, with no chance to escape for quite possibly the next week. If she says no, it’s all over; you’ll be stuck in a cabin which will seem all smaller for her having rejected you.
At a funeral.
Only if you’re some kind of morbid freak would you ever consider proposing at a funeral. Maybe you think the sound of “Sorry your dad’s dead, will you marry me?” is a hilarious juxtaposition of sad/happy, but I’m sure she’ll think otherwise. The sight of an open coffin and many people mourning/crying is not quite the same as a candle-lit dinner, unfortunately. She’d probably be more inclined to arrange your funeral than to spend the rest of her life with you, which would be considerably longer than yours if you were to try and propose.
By text message or email.
Perhaps the most impersonal way to convey what is otherwise supposed to be a very personal and intimate moment/emotion. Then there’s those predictive text blunders that replace a crucial word with something ridiculous (queue with steve, home with good) and leading to an outrageous misunderstanding. To be so afraid so as to detach oneself from the human contact it requires to deliver such a message just means that you aren’t fit to go outside, let alone be emotionally attached to someone. You should be so very ashamed. I hope that you accidentally send the message to your boss (because hopefully your boss isn’t the person you’re proposing to).
By putting the ring in a helium balloon.
Whilst adventuring on the internet I stumbled across this story. You’d have to be some kind of crazy person to think giving your girlfriend a balloon with a ring in it would be a “great idea”. What if the balloon had been popped and the ring had flown into her eye, or if it fell down a drain? What if, for some reason, he was so stupid he didn’t tie the balloon to himself in case a sudden gust of wind came along and a $9 grand ring just flew into the sky? Oh wait…IT DID.
On Valentine’s Day.
This would be one of the worst offenders in ridiculous proposals. It just wouldn’t even be a surprise and everyone you told would think “Oh, Valentine’s Day” and then nod as if it was the expected thing. Which it is, unfortunately for you. Today’s Valentine’s Day (and also quite possibly every Valentine’s Day in the history of everything ever) is a horrific capitalist nightmare, where the cards cost as much as expensive chocolate and the chocolates taste like expensive card. It is too riddled with cliché and a general sense of unpleasantness to actually be deemed romantic and “unique” enough to propose to a person you supposedly love. It shouldn’t take Valentine’s Day to make you prove how much you love someone, a sentiment which is in itself a cliché. You cannot win.
During a crisis or disaster.
In movies, I never really understood why a hero must propose to his lady love during a time of great stress. The world is ending, buildings are exploding, ships are sinking or maybe she’s giving birth to a bizarre alien lovechild, the hero will somehow take it upon himself to proclaim his undying love for her (usually just before a mission which has a 90% chance in resulting in his untimely demise) and asks her to marry him. Why would you do this? Instead of shooting lasers and dodging traps or whatever, he’s probably going to be thinking “Oh gawsh, I love her so much” and it’s going to get him killed. Then she’ll be devastated because if he dies she’s going to be thinking “We would have been so happy together”.
By hiding the engagement ring in her food.
This is also one of the main offenders. Why would you spend all that money on a fantastic ring, only to mess it up by putting it in some sort of creamy pudding or alcoholic beverage? The sheer number of things that could go amazingly wrong with this is beyond compare. Maybe a waiter will steal the ring to fund his crack habit, maybe someone will drop it and it’ll get lost, maybe it will get delivered to the wrong table and cause some huge misunderstanding. Who knows, but it’s certainly not appealing for your potential bride-to-be to be sifting through pudding like she’s on a scavenger hunt, or fishing out a ring that’s spoiled the nice champagne in the glass due to having jewelry cleaner on it. Worse still, you stand the chance of making her choke to death as she accidentally eats it. Also, you certainly don’t want to spend the next few days sifting through the fecal matter of a loved one in search of the ring, which you then hopefully won’t expect her to wear.