Kristin Marshall

Although we cover a variety of online dating and relationship tips, there are times when a situation is too unique for an umbrella topic. Or maybe we just haven’t covered something yet! That’s why we’re going to do an Ask Online Dating U every once in a while. At Online Dating University, we’re here for you, so send us your questions!

At what point do you decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone? I ask because my girlfriend, 19, is asking me, 18, to make this decision now and I feel like I’m too young to. We’ve been together about 2 years.

She says she wants to get married, one day, and since we’re in college, this is where people meet their eventual husband or wife. If I can’t say that I want to stay with her in the future (and, implied in this, eventually marry her or, if not formalize it in legality, at least spend the rest of my life in a stable relationship with her) then she will leave me for someone who can.

She says if this relationship isn’t going to go anywhere, then she’s basically wasting her time, as opportunities with guys who would commit to her pass her by. I just feel like we’re too young for all that yet. I would answer her question if I knew the answer, but I really don’t, not for sure — both options have their pros, and their cons. I do love her, and enjoy spending time with her, but it’s hard to know if I want to spend the rest of my life with her, especially when I’m only 18 and the rest of my life seems like such a long way off. I mean, I don’t even know for sure what I want to major in, or what I want for a job.

She dated a few guys before me, and none of those lasted long or ended well, so now all she wants is stability; I never was really in a relationship before this, and I’ve only ever really been with her. Never really known what it’s like being with any woman besides her. Our relationship has lasted about 2 years (and 2 months). We were each other’s first sex partner, all that. She’s very attached and emotionally dependent, and has problems with seperation anxiety (when I go off to college, she cries when I leave etc). I always feel so bad for her, even though it frustrates me at the same time. What should I do?

As for your question, I think you just know when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. A gut feeling, I guess. It’s not something that’s concrete. You may believe that you’re too young to know for sure, but I’ve heard of young people that “just know” and have had long, successful relationships.

Perhaps your girlfriend wants a little reassurance that you’re willing to put in the effort to pursue spending the rest of your life with her as a possibility, and not so much an absolute promise. In my experience, those two can get jumbled up on the way from being thoughts to becoming words and can come across as forceful or insecure. Frankly, the reassurance is exactly what some people need and not so much a promise. Whatever you do, be sure to make it clear that your uncertainty has nothing to do with not loving her enough.

You definitely need to talk to her about this. It’s very common for people to search for stability. But don’t promise her something that you cannot keep. Talk to her — it’s really the best course of action at this point. Tell her what she is demanding is a reasonable demand but that it is just not something you can promise, although you love her too much to make a promise you cant keep. Good luck!

Although we cover a variety of online dating and relationship tips, there are times when a situation is too unique for an umbrella topic. Or maybe we just haven’t covered something yet! That’s why we’re going to do an Ask Online Dating U every once in a while. At Online Dating University, we’re here for you, so send us your questions!

I’m 20 and he’s 21 — we’ve been dating for almost 3 years now. I’m not doing well in my classes and my boyfriend told me I need to do better in school. During the conversation, he brought up the fact that, if I “failed” out of college or for some reason didn’t get my Bachelor’s, he would have to consider breaking up with me. I asked him for clarification: What if I found something to do that I loved more than anything else and didn’t want to waste time doing a degree I didn’t enjoy? Still no. What if I became just as successful, financially and otherwise, as I would have been with a degree? Nope.

I gave him a scenario where I asked him to imagine me as if I’d gotten my college degree — high paying job, happy with my work, highly intelligent, capable of learning skills, etc. And then I asked him to take away just the actual degree. He said he couldn’t marry me like that, because he has two expectations of his partner, career and education-wise: To be successful and to have graduated from at least a Bachelor’s program in college. He acknowledges that, even without the piece of paper, I would probably still be successful, intelligent, and basically the same person as I was before. He even admits that, since I’ve already completed 3 years, I will have shared the same experiences, even if I drop out right now. But he says having a college degree means something to him, and he expects that of his partner.

I DO plan on getting my degree, and I’m not going to drop out. It’s an expectation I have for myself. But, knowing my guy would give up on me and everything we have together just because I chose a different educational life path than he wanted me to really disgusts and bothers me. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing this degree to meet a requirement of his. He tells me to do it for myself and not for him, but I can’t shake the gross feeling around it all.

The only problem I have here is I feel like he’s implying I HAVE to do this to be with him. I want the freedom to make my own life decisions without worrying about whether or not he’ll break up with me over it because it’s not “good enough.” I honestly am considering ending things. I feel like the expectation is too rigid and pretentious. Is he right to expect something like that of me and, since I plan on getting my degree anyway, am I overreacting? What would you do in my situation?

Wow, this is quite the situation! I can see both sides at play here. From his perspective, I can understand that he’d desire someone who finishes what she starts. I’m assuming he was raised to hold higher education in high regard and as a part of what defines a successful person. Of course, there have been articles discussing and comparing the salaries of those with and without a degree, but I have a feeling this isn’t playing a part in his argument. Because, when you ask him how he’d feel even if you were happy and successful without a degree, he still requires you to get one.

Now, I personally believe that you don’t need a degree to lead a fulfilling and successful life. Education is important, but it’s also important to establish the difference between learning and the collegiate system. I’d like to know why your boyfriend holds this expectation.

I guess my main concern is: If he believes you must subscribe to the socially accepted “path to success,” what other notions will he cling to? It seems like he’s the type of person who would get married and have children simply because that’s what he’s supposed to do, regardless of whether or not he’s in love. Your relationship is becoming unraveled over this situation, and regardless of your success otherwise, what other things is he willing to throw it away over? Perhaps you need to reevaluate things with him. “Don’t do it for me, do it for you… but I’ll dump you if you don’t,” doesn’t seem like the best policy.

“I want the freedom to make my own life decisions without worrying whether he’ll break up with me.” And you have it. If people break up with you because you are being true to yourself, then they’re not the right person for you. You have this freedom all along. Don’t forget it. Keep working hard — finishing your degree is a great personal goal. Tell your boyfriend how you feel.