Kristin Marshall

Going exclusive in a relationship isn’t always an easy concept for people. If you ask seven different people the same question about it, you’ll get seven different answers. So, we figured that touching on the topic of exclusivity couldn’t be covered in just one article. In the second part of our series we’ll talk about the reasons why you should — and shouldn’t — go exclusive with your date.

Why You Should

Your curiosity has been satisfied

If you still have any interest on dating many people, then you’re probably not interested in becoming exclusive. If you’re in a steady relationship, but not in the relationship mindset, you may be sitting there wondering about greener pastures — that’s not fair for either of you. But on the other hand, if you feel as if you’ve found someone that absolutely intrigues you, it may be time to consider going exclusive.

Tested and approved

There are quick things we can do to “test” the compatibility of a date, and there are bigger things you can do like taking a road trip or meeting your date’s friends. True character takes time to reveal itself, so take the time to truly get to know your date. If you’re compatible, exclusivity is definitely the way to go.

You know what you want

This one’s simple — if you’ve dated around, you’re more equipped to recognize someone who will be right for you. And when you do come across that special person, don’t hesitate to go exclusive.

Read On for Why You Shouldn’t →

Going exclusive in a relationship isn’t always an easy concept for people. If you ask seven different people the same question about it, you’ll get seven different answers. So, we figured that touching on the topic of exclusivity couldn’t be covered in just one article. In the first part of our series we’re giving a few tips on the right way to go about broaching the topic of exclusivity with your date.

DON’T: The First Date

There are some folks out there, especially women, who will say off the bat that they’re looking for a monogamous relationship and to go elsewhere if you’re not looking for that, too. Well, it’s great to be straightforward, but the first date isn’t the time for this kind of talk. If it comes up naturally, you can talk about what you’re looking for in a relationship. It’s the first date and you don’t even know the person yet, so hold off a bit.

DO: Know When You’re Ready

Well, you must be wondering if the first date is too early, when is it too late? That’s a great question. Women tend to think of exclusivity early on, especially when sex comes into the picture — feelings of vulnerability and health concerns arise. If you feel the urge to share more personal things with your date, it may be time to talk exclusivity. For women, that may be when you begin to share specifics of bodily functions (bloating, stomach aches, etc), and for men it may be when you invite her along when your friends are around.

Read on for more Do’s & Don’ts →

Although we cover a variety of online dating and relationship tips, there are times when a situation is too unique for an umbrella topic. Or maybe we just haven’t covered something yet! That’s why we’re going to do an Ask Online Dating U every once in a while. At Online Dating University, we’re here for you, so send us your questions!

We are both recent grads in our early 20s at our first jobs. Our sysadmin has implied twice now that I’m dating another coworker, first via email and the second time it was public.

I actually did date this person at one point, but not currently. Sysadmin guy is newer to the company and has never known either of us before and would not know our history. I will refer to the guy I dated as Tom here.

The first time was when I needed to relocate to a better computer next to Tom. I had to clear this with sysadmin guy and he responded, “Sure, I know you just want to sit next to Tom because he’s so cute.” I was a little surprised and just tried to ignore it, figured he was just joking.

The second time was after I moved and was sitting next to Tom. I was handing him a printout about an upcoming meeting, and sysadmin guy suddenly says from across the room, “Oooh, I see you guys passing love notes over there.” I was too surprised to think of an appropriate comeback and just said, “No, just a memo,” and went back to work.

Now that sysadmin has made a comment in front of other coworkers I’m concerned that this teasing is going to start rumors and/or expose Tom and I as being previously involved. Tom and I have made serious effort to be professional and private. I’m confused as to why sysadmin guy is acting like this. He doesn’t pair anyone else up, kidding or not.

Should I just approach him in private asking him to please stop saying things that imply I have a relationship with Tom? I’m worried about whether my revealing that I have a problem with it will in some way make things worse, like he’ll assume that Tom and I are together after all, but I’d think that anyone would be bothered if someone made such comments in front of the entire department.

Work gossip is tough to deal with. In this case, it sounds like your sysadmin is teasing you a bit, and it’s upsetting you because it’s hitting on something that’s true. He could also be teasing you because he may be interested in you, or perhaps he’s just socially clueless.

You can approach your HR department about it, or simply tell the sysadmin that his comments make you uncomfortable. Hopefully that will stop them! If you feel comfortable with simply ignoring his comments, you could do that too, it’s up to you how you handle this. Obviously, if it gets out of control, go with the HR option.

Work gossip and comments like these can get out of control, so here are a few tips for dealing:

Keep it professional

Avoid dating coworkers and keep your private life out of the workplace — it’s easier said than done. Even if you’re discreet, things can sometimes be leaked into the workplace, and that just adds fuel to the gossip fire. Especially if your relationship doesn’t work out, many times you’re left with an awkward situation. Only you know what you can handle, so think things through before jumping into bed.

Don’t be the gossiper

Just staying out of the gossip is a huge step! If you simply ignore people gossiping, and don’t start any rumors yourself, you’re on the right track. Saying the wrong thing about someone could end up in the loss of your job or even a slander suit.

If you’re not part of the gossip, it may be a good idea to approach the person gossiping about others and remind them that they can damage their career and affect other people’s lives too.

Call in the cavalry

If things start getting out of hand, approach your supervisor or HR department about the gossip, even if it’s not about you. When someone’s quality of life and career is at risk, someone needs to speak up. No one should have to work in a hostile work environment.

Move on

If things have come to a head and there’s no fixing things, perhaps it’s time to find a new job. Some workplaces aren’t as effective at dealing with these situations as others. If you’re in a tough spot and staying there would make you uncomfortable, leave if you can. If the gossip wasn’t about you, but the toxic environment is affecting you, leave if you can.

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Whether you’re moving in with your partner, considering a commitment or even getting married, cold feet can sometimes get in the way of where you want to go. Here are a few helpful tips to overcome cold feet so you can get to the next level in your relationship.

Why?

The first thing you need to do is to figure out why you’re having cold feet. The anxiety experienced before taking a big step in a relationship is natural, so take a few steps back and evaluate your feelings. If it helps, write your feelings down — sometimes seeing everything on paper puts things into perspective. Make a mental list of why you want to marry your partner, why you want to move in with them, whatever. Putting things out there for yourself will help you to think things through before acting too quickly.

Talk

Let it all out. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling, and it might be that your partner feels the same! Even if not, your partner can help to remind you of why you’re together. They know you well, so they may be able to help you through your feelings. If you feel like talking to your partner will just inflame the situation, talk to a close friend or someone you know who has already gone through your situation. Just speaking with someone will help to ease that tension.

Relax

Most of all, relax. Remember that getting cold feet is natural, and it happens to most people. It’s important to not get caught up in these feelings, because it can lead you to believe that you shouldn’t go through with your plans.

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We all know what happens when we make assumptions. Despite everything, people still make so many assumptions when it comes to sexuality and dating. It’s sometimes safe to make assumptions from time to time, but don’t kill your relationship before it even begins — here are 5 common assumptions that can destroy your dating life.

It’s all about looks

Don’t get me wrong: Looking good is important, and taking care of yourself is important. But taking only looks into consideration when dating is the wrong way to go about things. Go deeper and discover your date’s passions and personality by listening and having engaging conversation.

Women can’t initiate contact

Many women back down from initiating contact or tone back the flirting because they’re afraid of being seen as pushy or worse. Thing is, these days it’s more of the norm for women to ask men out. In fact, that confidence is sexy.

“I can’t disagree with my date.”

You don’t want to continuously argue with your date, but agreeing to disagree is just fine! Agreeing with everything your date says is boring, and it’ll seem like you don’t have your own identity. It’s fine to have much in common with your date, but remember to let your personality shine through.

“I know the type.”

It’s easy to put people into boxes, because it’s just easier that way. It’s easy to say, “I know the type,” and assume they’ll act a certain way. You might even assume how things would end up. Don’t! It’s important to go beyond the book’s cover to discover what the person is all about.

The same goes for assuming things about someone based on how they dress. Someone might assume a woman wearing a large purse and heels is high maintenance, or that a guy wearing baggy jeans is a slacker. Again, go beyond what’s on the surface to what really matters.

“I’ve got to put out.”

This is a biggie. Many people assume that you have to put out right away, and in fact, many men these days are feeling pressure from women for sex, too. If you’re looking to have more than a one-night stand, hold out and respect yourself and your date. Get to know the person a bit before jumping into bed. There are other intimate activities you can partake in that aren’t intercourse. Go with what you’re comfortable with — everyone is different. Don’t just do something because it’s “expected.”

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When dating someone new, it can be a challenge to determine whether or not you’re compatible. Here are a few things you can do to test the waters, but we recommend that you wait to use these tactics after a few dates.

Play a game

Play ping pong, pool, darts, or console games with your date — any kind of social game will work. The point here is to see how your date reacts to competitive circumstances. Do they try to win at all costs? Is he/she a sore loser? If your date is helpful or rooting for you to win, this is a good sign. The way they play the game may be similar to the way they handle a disagreement.

Spend the day together

Instead of the two-hour date, spend a full day with your date. Go to the beach, a day spa, a day of shopping or exploring — anything that spans at least two meals together. You’ll be able to see how your date handles everyday life and how they interact with other people. It’s much easier to test your compatibility with someone over the course of a day (or several) than only a couple hours.

Run an errand

After the third date or so, take your date on a small errand run before you go out. Something simple like picking up a few items at the grocery store or picking up your dry cleaning — nothing that takes longer than 20 minutes. These are things you do in your everyday life, anyway! Tell your date beforehand that you just need to run a quick errand and pay attention to how they handle it. Do they go along with you like nothing’s changed? Do they help you out with whatever it is you’re doing? Do they act a bit peeved and impatient?

Get away from the hustle

Get to really know your date away from the hustle and bustle of the everyday. You’ll be able to chat with your date without all the drinks, craziness, and if you feel awkward or can’t find much to talk about, it may be time to rethink things.

Go on a small trip

Traveling reveals a lot about a person, so take your date on a small trip. It can be a drive across town, or a boat ride — anything to see how your date functions during these activities. If they’re driving, pay attention to how they handle traffic, directions, and aggressive drivers. If you’re driving, pay attention to how they react to you being in control.