Online Dating

Being mindful in your dating approach will get you far. If you feel like your relationships just aren’t sticking, then perhaps you’re prone to sabotaging them. Here are 4 behaviors that indicate that you may be sabotaging your relationship.

Soul Mate… At First Sight

If you believe your date is your soul mate from first meeting, you may be sabotaging your relationship. Hey, I’m a hopeless romantic, and I believe in love at first sight. BUT I still believe that you should approach the relationship slowly to allow it to flourish naturally. Don’t set yourself up for heartache by convincing yourself that you’ve met your soul mate after your first two dates. It’s great to be positive, but relationships need a solid foundation to survive. Besides, are you sure that your date is on the same wavelength as you?

Morally Mismatched

Accepting things about your date that don’t match your own values, morals, or vision of the relationship can put you on the road to sabotaging your relationship. If you find yourself questioning things your date does, you’re probably not a match. Many people, eager to have a relationship, often overlook or settle for someone who doesn’t share the same morals and values — that’s no good. You don’t want to turn the one you’re dating into the fantasy person you created in your head. It’s fine to have difference of interests, but not of values, morals, and vision.

Sex Too Soon

If you have sex right away in your relationship — either it started that way, or just a date or so in — you might be sabotaging your relationship. I know, I know, this subject is controversial, because every couple is different. In general, it’s best to wait as long as possible for sexual intimacy because it makes things complicated. Once you have sex, it can cloud your judgement — is this person the right match for you? You could end up being connected solely by sex. So, if you’re only going for a relationship like that, power to you! If you want something for the long haul, hold off for a bit. There are other things you can do to feel physically and intimately close.

Eager Beaver

This one goes hand in hand with the first point: If you’re overly eager to move the relationship forward, you may be sabotaging your relationship. Many folks that have just ended a long-term, monogamous relationship often find themselves eager to get in that same comfort zone again with someone new. Dating — not sleeping — around isn’t everyones thing, but it will allow you to meet new people and potentially someone you’ll stick with for the long-term. Focusing too much on locking someone in right away can distract you from noticing important red flags and truly determining whether or not you’re compatible. Or worse, you could scare him or her off!

Although we cover a variety of online dating and relationship tips, there are times when a situation is too unique for an umbrella topic. Or maybe we just haven’t covered something yet! That’s why we’re going to do an Ask Online Dating U every once in a while. At Online Dating University, we’re here for you, so send us your questions!

We’ve been dating for 5 years. I’ve been offered a fantastic job. It’s almost unreal. It’s only for 6 months (which may be extended if I want), but the pay is UNREAL (more than 5x what I’m making now), it’s in a field I love, and I have to move to Germany (I’ve never been out of the United States before). I’m supposed to leave in two months.

My girlfriend was raped and almost killed two weeks ago. She spent several days in the hospital, but she thankfully made it through and is expected to make a full recovery. Obviously she’s a mess right now with all she’s going through and I am too. I’ve barely eaten or slept since it’s happened and I can’t think straight. To worsen things, her mother has gotten sick and got released from the hospital yesterday (although she’s doing fine right now).

I just don’t know what to do. Originally we planned to just to have a LDR for the 6 months, but there is no way I’m going to do that. Right now I have two options: I can either turn down the job offer or I can ask my SO to go with me. I really don’t want to turn down the job offer. It’s unlikely I’ll ever get another job that is so exciting, work such a normal schedule (40 hours or less), that pays this well, but it is totally unfair to ask her to move to some foreign place away from all of her friends and family after such a traumatic event. She’s the love of my life and I know we’re going to grow old together, so I feel disgusting whenever I think about asking her to come with. She’s always put me first in her life.

You’re in a very tough situation and I can’t imagine the stress of what you’re going through. You really have three choices here, either bring her along, leave her behind, or turn down the offer. And they all have downsides, so you really need to speak to your girlfriend about this and do some soul searching.

I mean, it sounds like an incredible opportunity. From what I read, it also sounds like you truly want to go. It would be good for you, your resume, your bank, your happiness… and who knows, it could be a fresh start for your girlfriend too. I don’t know much about your relationship, but it must be solid. After this long, you could handle a long-distance relationship, but what happened to your girlfriend put a kink in things. It would suck to make the decision right now, but if she is as excited for you as you appear to be, she is probably happy about the opportunity too.

Definitely include your girlfriend in your decision-making process. Instead of presenting her the choices, and asking her to make one, walk through it together. If you decide to go together, you should take the chance to go over early to set everything up. This will ease the stress on her — moving, especially out of the country, can be extremely stressful. If her therapist can keep in touch with her remotely, via Skype perhaps, all the better.

When it comes down to it, this is something you should take time to reflect on. Be sure to talk to your girlfriend and include her in this decision! Best of luck.

Although we cover a variety of online dating and relationship tips, there are times when a situation is too unique for an umbrella topic. Or maybe we just haven’t covered something yet! That’s why we’re going to do an Ask Online Dating U every once in a while. At Online Dating University, we’re here for you, so send us your questions!

In the past I deleted my online dating profile after meeting someone great. It didn’t work out, so I made a new account.

I’m currently in a 4-month long relationship with a man I met online. We haven’t spoken about what to do with our accounts. I don’t think he will suggest deleting them — he still goes online. I can go either way.

My question to you is, at what point would you delete your profile? Do you think people can use dating sites to find platonic relationships?

When to delete your online dating profile once in a relationship is a very common concern. I’d say, once you’re exclusive, go ahead and delete it. The best situation? If you can disable it instead. Many sites offer the option to disable your profile so you don’t lose all the time you put into it. Especially in the case of a site with extensive quizzing and such.

If the site doesn’t offer a disabling option, see if there’s an option to change your status to, “in a relationship” or “not single.”

The important thing is to talk to your partner about it! Since the two of you met through an online dating site, he should understand where you’re coming from. What I want to know is: Why does he still go to the site? I mean, you guys have been together for 4 months, so I’d hope he’s still not shopping around. Definitely talk to him about this. If he’s not as serious as you are about being exclusive, you should reconsider your relationship with him.

As for using dating sites to find platonic relationships, well, I’m not so sure. They are called dating sites for a reason. On sites like OkCupid, I think it could be possible to make platonic relationships, only because the nature of the site allows people to take quizzes, have fun, and really make the experience whatever you want it to be. In you situation, I don’t know what site he’s using, but every site has it’s own feel. I guess on any website you could cultivate platonic relationships, but there is already so much pretense it seems a little… dishonest. In the end, you need to talk to him.

Been single for long? You might be ready to jump into dating, but when you do, be on the lookout for the types of daters you should avoid.

Me, Myself, and I

So, this type of dater is self-centered, and can definitely come in various degrees of self-centeredness. Does your date always pick your movie for date night? Does he favor satisfying his own sexual needs over your own? Many times, daters like this choose to date more submissive types to get away with being all about him or herself. Does she always talk about herself? This behavior can get old — these types may commit, but do you want to be with someone like that anyway?

“I’ll Get Back To You”

“Hey, want to go out this Saturday?” If your date always responds with, “I’ll get back to you,” “I’ll let you know,” “Maybe,” or “Let’s play it by ear,” you could be in for one frustrating ride. Do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time. This date’s either too insecure, is trying to take advantage of you, or just isn’t all that into you. With these types, not only will you end up frustrated, you’ll end up with someone who isn’t good for the long run.

Three’s Company

You might think this type is super sociable — the life of the party! You hang out together with a few friends and have a blast. You want to go out on another date, but he insists that you all hang out as a group again, or he brings his bros along. What’s with all the friends, all the time? It’ll get old quickly. With their friends around, how will your relationship grow? These types tend to need a crutch and won’t take your relationship seriously. Get out!

Anger Issues

Everyone gets angry at some point. But if you’re dating someone who holds grudges and goes over the edge frequently, it’s a sign that you may be dating an angry type. These types can end up being jealous, overbearing, possessive, stressful… and sometimes even violent. It’s best to leave your baggage behind, especially while dating. If your date can’t do the same, don’t waste your time.

The Debbie Downer

Some people view their world as glass half empty… always. We all have our down moments, but a type like this could really get you down. A mysterious, brooding type may be intriguing at first, but he or she will probably suck the positive energy right out of you. In the end, it’s up to you, but you want a happy, drama-free relationship, right?